In the middle of the heartbreak I do have to marvel at how the mind–even one that’s “broken”–is intuitively capable of a kind of rough poetry. My mother’s ongoing, inexpressible loss finds a metaphor in her anxiety over things she believes have been taken or misplaced. We spent all yesterday afternoon looking for something, and… Continue reading Rebus / May 21, 2006
I was reading about my Biblical namesake Deborah, a judge and prophetess in Israel during a time when it was under the control of the Canaanites. She was one of those protean Old Testament women who exploit the antithesis between her social status and her gender. But her role as a judge is what interests… Continue reading Best judgment / May 16, 2006
I took a vacation day from work today and realized how much the idea of “vacation” has changed. I can’t really go anywhere too far away, or for too long a time, without some preparation. First I have to decide what I can tell my mother–not because I want to deceive her but because there… Continue reading What matters / May 4, 2006
I was awfully angry for the past couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I’m so used to rationalizing but of course I can’t rationalize this. Watching my mother sit in the same spot, day after day, disappearing into herself can be excruciating. I can’t talk to her about… Continue reading Glimpses and spells / April 26, 2006
One of my recurring dreams features a couple of pet birds I once owned. Often I dream that I’ve forgotten to feed them for weeks, and I find them barely hanging on to life. Last night I dreamt that one had died in its cage, and I didn’t even notice until well after the fact.… Continue reading Intangible #1 / April 13, 2009
Some days, I’m situationally tired. In other words, I know that I’ll feel better after a good sleep. On other days–more and more of them–I’m so tired that I’m even more exhausted after sleeping. I have dreams that just remind me of my waking life. Today I actually called in sick to work, did not… Continue reading Neither here nor there / April 13, 2006
…to set me off. On her way to bed last night my mother looked out a window and said, What a dump. Then she looked around inside and said, Inside and out. I take comments like this personally. I think she’s criticizing me for not doing it all. I’ve thought about this since then, and I can imagine… Continue reading It doesn’t take much / April 11, 2006
Yesterday I came home from an unsettling day at work to find my mother making dinner. She had put three place settings out. Is Liz coming for dinner? I asked, and she looked bewildered. You have three dishes out. She rolled her eyes. I always expect other people–I always think someone else is coming home, she said. I wish. I wish… Continue reading The others / April 8, 2006
A good day, and then a bad day. Yesterday Mary spent time with my mother, and when I came home from work she was bright and sharp. When I came home today I found the front door locked and had to rummage for the key to let myself in. My mother was sitting right there. I… Continue reading Good day, bad day / April 4, 2006
Sundays are usually tough. Today I was battling a migraine, which means not only an aversion to light but also an awful lethargy. Every act seems protean. I knew that my mother likes me to take her out on the weekends but today I just couldn’t do it. And I’m reaching a point where That’s… Continue reading That’s that / April 2, 2006
