Yesterday and today were good days. My mother’s home companion started yesterday, and I was surprised at how well my mother took it all. She’s fretting a bit about having to entertain Mary, despite my telling her that it should be the other way around. But when I got home from work on both days… Continue reading Sanctuaries / March 30, 2006
I’ve noticed over the past month or two a change in my mother. She’s just a little bit blanker. I can say something to her and her face registers nothing, not even puzzlement. I repeat what I said, a little louder, and she says I heard you. But how could I tell? I can see that… Continue reading Equilibrium / March 28, 2006
A good weekend, overall. The ducks are back in the pool, and it’s taken them only a day to overcome their shyness and waddle up to the back door to take food from me. As usual, Mrs. Mallard took the initiative, while the mister hung back and quacked in the anxious but muted way that… Continue reading Return of the mallards / March 27, 2006
My mother often forgets that my father died. She doesn’t claim to see or hear him, but she sometimes wonders when he’ll be getting home. My sister says that she often refers to me as “Dad.” I mentioned this to our case manager and wondered how I should respond–should I correct her or play along?… Continue reading Dad’s ghost / March 24, 2006
Some days, I’m situationally tired. In other words, I know that I’ll feel better after a good sleep. On other days–more and more of them–I’m so tired that I’m even more exhausted after sleeping. I have dreams that just remind me of my waking life. Today I actually called in sick to work, did not… Continue reading My learning curve / March 23, 2006
Is this okay to do? Write publicly about my mother’s difficulties? I’m doing it primarily for myself, in all honesty. Writing this gives the enormous, unwieldy, raggedy struggle some focus. Putting the broken bits back together at the end of the day helps me. I am forced to look for the poetry in this cruel… Continue reading What am I doing? / March 22, 2006
On what seem to be good days, like today, I’ll be talking to my mother and think: Is this a dream? She can still act perfectly normal at times. But it’s not a dream, as I inevitably find out. I don’t really want to know this much about the invisible warp and weft of the mind, although… Continue reading Same as it ever was / March 21, 2006
My mother’s presence is like the signal from a faraway radio station on a cold winter night. Sometimes it’s so faint that you have to know where to look for it, jiggle the dial, bend the antenna; other times the atmosphere is just right, and she’s there–loud and clear. I spoke privately with her nurse-practioner… Continue reading Waves / March 20, 2006
Maybe the hardest part of taking care of a family member with dementia is negotiating her integrity and my sanity. The best plan for me will not necessarily be the best plan for my mother–at this time, at least. How I would love hearing her say, It’s time for me to move to assisted living. My… Continue reading The hardest part…? / March 19, 2006
My mother introduced herself to me last night. The day had been an awful one, for her, for me and for my sister. It seems as if her Alzheimer’s has worsened–as usual, in ways I never expected. She had called me at work, for the second time this week, complaining that she felt terrible. She… Continue reading Where to begin? / March 18, 2006
